Emissions from the Monolith 5
"The May May Chronicles"
By Swurve
Part 1
Saturday, May 24, 2003. Spacecakes and I woke up early and drove up lovely Route 11 to Mosquito Lake to enjoy the morning air. We chilled for a bit in camp chairs by the waters edge, then decided to go hunt down some breakfast.
After a boxfull of donut holes and some tiny cups of joe we headed back to the Nyabinghi for a day full of metal.
We were in the parking lot, at the back of the space sedan, brushing our choppers when Spacecakes notices some strange happenings at Randy`s, the local bar across the street. A giant yellow beast climbed out of a 92 Pontiac. May May. She was a half German, half black. She looked like a man. Only with gigantic saggy tits. She wore a short black mini-skirt, heels, and a bright yellow top. Her boobs were at her waist. In fact it looked like she had a set of tube socks full of beans hanging off her chest.
Another lady was hanging out of the window above Randy`s yelling and throwing eggs at May May`s car.
She was just as precious as May May, and angry. We`ll call her Big Rhonda.
"We gotta go over there and check this shit out." Spacecakes said.
So off to Randy`s we went. We oredered a couple Jack and Cokes(not real coke, but a diluted storebrand cola product). We sat down at a table and struck up a conversation.
"What`s the deal with the lady upstairs?" Space asked.
May May exploded. She was a gem. A river of profanity sprung from her lips. Yelling loud, so Big Rhonda upstairs could hear her, May May told us of how the woman upstairs was upset because she couldn`t keep her husband happy. The old boy, had been down at Randy`s on May May`s hours and apparently the two of them got a bit busy.
Spacecakes and I laughed hard, and long, right there at the table. May May kept on spouting on and on and on about Big Rhonda and how she wore no underwear because they were all dirty. So funny, hearing May May say, "She`s got no panties cuz they all dirty, Bitch needs to go wash her underwear, then maybe she can keep her man."
Spacecakes and I left the locals at Randy`s and the ROCK commenced.
Part 2
We were enjoying the metal, and after the 1st couple of bands needed to take a break. We went back out to the car to drink some water, hit the sneak a toke, and eat some spaceballs. While working the fudge out of our teeth, we spied Lance walking his dog.
Lance was a repeat offender from last year`s Emissions festival. He lived near the bar and continuously walked his dog. He carried a seven foot long pooper scooper, we later learned that he constructed the supa-scoop so that he could catch the turds before they even hit the ground. Genius.
Lance remembered Spacecakes from the previous year and was very happy to see him. Spacecakes was happy to see Lance too, and he saw the opportunity to immortalize the moment with his camera.
Now Spacecakes is a modern kind of guy, and his camera is quite nifty. It was no suprise that Lance thought he was going to be the star of some new reality series on FOX.
"So Lance, do you know May May?" Spacecakes probed.
Lance said that he did in fact know her and knew her well. We suspect that Lance has had a secret crush on May May for years now.
The photo shoot ended and Space and I went back to the Bingher for more rock. Lance on the other hand ran back to Randy`s to tout his new found stardom to the rest of the fucked up locals that had been drinking since 7 am.
Part 3
It was Mantera`s set, we saw about 4 minutes of it but the Skillet was calling. We jumped in the car and went for some trucker grub. We got back to the club and proceeded inside to continue the metal meltdown.
I had lost Spacecakes and went out front to smog up some baccer. That`s when I saw May May at the front door.
A crew of SR.commers were around the front door and they were laughing hard.
"Swurve, where`s Spacecakes?" Someone asked. "That big hooker was just looking for him. She came up screaming Where`s Spacecakes? WHERE`S SPACECAKES?!"
She went into the bar(good job piggy) and harrassed some folks in there, but to no avail.
When she came outside again she grabbed a longhair by the shirtsleeve and proceeded to drag him back to Randy`s. They stumbled across the street and when they got to the door May May went in. Longhair looked back at the crew in front of the Bingher and threw his arms out as if asking, "Well should I?".
43 stoners threw up the horns in approval and he went inside after May May.
May May apparently came back a couple more times, but I did not see her.
Part 4
The shows on Saturday were amazing, but the sets were all over and the bar was starting to clear out. Spacecakes and I decided we should head back over to Randy`s have a cocktail and wait for our spot under the tree behind the club.
We went into Randy`s and lemme tell you, the joint was jumpin. Lots of greasy, sleazy looking fuckbags. Every one of them loaded as fuck. Even the barkeep. May May was gone for the evening, but Big Rhonda was there in full force.
Big Rhonda was gorgeous. 350 pounds of hot monkey lovin. She was covered in tatoos, and not good tatoos either. She looked like she had been the wench on a pirate ship for the past 50 years and you know she smelled like possum roadkill. She got up real close and Spacecakes said, "God, those are some nice tattoos."
Big Rhonda said,"Oh, You like those? You wanna see them?" Pulling at the neck of her grubby t-shirt, exposing her stretched and inked chest flaps.
Spacecakes turned to the bartender and asked her why May May was so upset earlier. I continued with Big Rhonda.
"You know, Spacecakes here, he lives out in Call-y-forny. He loooooves tattoos. In fact that`s what he does for a living out there. He`s a big time tattoo critic, and he would love to look at your tattoos."
When the bartender heard me say `Spacecakes` she about dropped a load right there.
"You`re Spacecakes?!!!" She yelled. "May May was looking for you!"
Space laughed and asked why.
Now this is where it all comes together.
After the photo shoot with Lance he ran back to the Randy`s and decided to stir some shit up. He told the locals that Spacecakes(that world famous director of cult films) was out there with his video camera. He continued to tell them that Space took some film of him and his dog, he then told May May that Spacecakes wanted her. That is when May May lost her marbles. Apparently she spent the rest of the afternoon talking of her impending fame and fortune, and how she just had to find Spacecakes.
She never did find him. I can only imagine her broken heart, and broken dreams. All at the hands of one man with a digital camera, and tendencies toward evil and confusion.
Lance on the other hand will be able to tell the story of the famous Photograher `Spacecakes` and how he was the star of a great film, one Saturday, in May of 2003.
